Drunk Devon Man Attempts To Have Sex With An Ambulance

You read the title correctly, dear reader.

A young man from Barnstaple, Devon, appeared in court after trying to have sex with an ambulance. Fuelled by drink and drugs (cannabis and amphetamine, if you’re interested), he started his seduction by setting fire to a packet of peanuts in a phone box. He then proceeded to spread himself across the front of this particularly big old unit. According to the police, it ‘looked as though he was attempting to make love to the front of the ambulance’.

We’re not just here for emergencies…

Ambulances are used to picking up people. In this instance, the role was reversed and it didn’t end well. The would-be Romeo was eventually arrested for being drunk and disorderly after shouting insults at a Scottish police officer.

Once in court, in the cold light of day, when the beer goggles had cleared and the cannabis induced aphrodisiac had worn off, he admitted to taking drugs and alcohol that night, but had now seen the error of his ways. He was found guilty of being drunk and disorderly and in possession of drugs. He was given a £60 fine with a six-month community order.

It is not known if the ambulance intended to sue for damages.

Oscar Pistorius Shoots His Girlfriend On Valentine’s Day

I woke up this morning to the news that Oscar Pistorius, Paralympic champion and the most famous South African after Nelson Mandela, had shot dead his girlfriend at his home in a gated community in Pretoria. Initial reports said he might have mistaken Reeva Steenkamp, a model, for a burglar. I fought against jumping to conclusions straight away and decided to reserve judgement until the dust had started to settle. However, I should tell you, dear reader, I was wondering what the poor girl did to be mistaken for an intruder. Did she come in through the back door? Did she climb through the window like the Milk Tray Man to give him a Valentine surprise? Was he tired and wasn’t thinking straight?

Closing The Stable Door After The Horsemeat Has Bolted – This Scandal Just Keeps On Running

Until a few weeks ago, the good people of Blighty had been chomping down burgers with not a care in the world. But thanks to news at the end of January that tests on processed beef burgers, sold in stores like Tesco and Iceland, showed traces of horse DNA, that world crashed. Arms were raised in horror (we don’t eat horse – we’re British!) and horsemeat burger jokes, along with Photoshopped pics, mainly at Tesco’s expense, came thick and fast. There are some people out there with a lot of time on their hands.

Richard III – King Of The Car Parks

After much testing and anticipation (with a splash of hope), it was confirmed this week that the bones found in a Leicester council car park in September last year, belonged to Richard III, a notorious king of England. It’s not every day you go to a car park and come across the bones of a Monarch, with a wound in the ribs and a head caved in. You’re more likely to come across dodgy geezers, abandoned trolleys and dogging.

I Went To The Presidential Inauguration And All I Got Was A Lousy Mime Artist!

Barack Hussein Obama was sworn in as President of the United States for a second term on Monday 21st January. This is a fact. What we’re less sure of is whether Beyonce sang the national anthem live… and this became the bigger news of the week! The First Lady’s wardrobe couldn’t beat it. The maturation of the Obama progeny couldn’t divert it. Long after the President stepped down from the podium, put on his Everlasts, got back into the ring and resumed his fight with the Republicans, there are still rumblings. What tomfoolery is this?

“Mime, schmime! I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Have these people never watched Top Of The Pops?”