If You Think Valentine’s Day Is Total Bull, Wait ‘Til You See This Pie!

Every time I think the Valentine’s Day gravy train has ground to a halt, something new comes along to stoke up the engine and keep it going. This year’s contender is the Cock and Bull pie, made of exactly what it says on the tin: bull’s testicles.

A pie that's certainly full of it...

This delicacy, created by chef Charlie Bigham, is a cheeky little number, designed to crank the libido up to 11 because those balls are packed with testosterone. This pie also contains Mama Juana liquor, whatever that is, and Ginseng: that energetic staple from the East. If you fancy a change from the Valentine classics of oysters or chocolate, you can order this limited edition pastry treat from online supermarket Ocado. Bad luck if you’re a vegetarian. You’ll have to make do with cheese. Or Tofu. Yeah, that’ll get your blood up.

All well and good, I’m thinking. But then I saw the price. “Fuck me!” I spluttered (perhaps that exclamation will engender the ultimate result – and the pie would have had nothing to do with it). £7.99, ladies and gentlemen. Seven of our English pounds and ninety-nine of our English pence! There are two pies in the pack, granted, but it’s still around four pounds for a one-person sized pie. Those bulls must have golden balls. I think David Beckham missed a trick there.

New Year – New You!

It’s 2012, a signal for the new and the opportunity once again to do what you’ve promised since the last millennia: to create a better life. There are many paths to this goal and the numerous books, DVDs and TV shows gathering dust for 11 months of the year, fall over themselves to help you come January 1st. I have distilled this hardy perennial to the simple diagram below, what I’d like to call The Hopeful Circle.

Video Game Urinals: The Ultimate Pissing Contest

I was alerted to this article, which came out last week.

A bar in Balham, South London, has installed the first urinal video game.

Yup.

Conceived by Captive Media, these video games, with advertising of course, are truly hands-free. They’ll give the Nintendo Wii and X-Box Kinect a run for their money. There are three generous targets you can aim for in the urinal stickers that read start, left and right. An infra-red device in the console can detect where the urine falls, so you can hit on the right answer – or not. Games on offer include a skiing challenge, and a multiple choice pub quiz.

Yer ready-mades are not bad, Marcel, my son, not bad at all. But yer definitely missing a trick ‘ere …