Lessons from my neighbour

February is fast becoming the month for life lessons.

I had an interview at the job centre today. Later, as I turned the corner to Pie Palace, I bumped into the cousin of my neighbour. I call my neighbour noisy reggae man and he’s an absolute diamond. His girlfriend on the other hand…

Lessons From An Asda Self-Service Checkout

I received a big lesson last week from… an Asda supermarket self-service checkout. This is my story.

This checkout taught me everything I know

If You Think Valentine’s Day Is Total Bull, Wait ‘Til You See This Pie!

Every time I think the Valentine’s Day gravy train has ground to a halt, something new comes along to stoke up the engine and keep it going. This year’s contender is the Cock and Bull pie, made of exactly what it says on the tin: bull’s testicles.

A pie that's certainly full of it...

This delicacy, created by chef Charlie Bigham, is a cheeky little number, designed to crank the libido up to 11 because those balls are packed with testosterone. This pie also contains Mama Juana liquor, whatever that is, and Ginseng: that energetic staple from the East. If you fancy a change from the Valentine classics of oysters or chocolate, you can order this limited edition pastry treat from online supermarket Ocado. Bad luck if you’re a vegetarian. You’ll have to make do with cheese. Or Tofu. Yeah, that’ll get your blood up.

All well and good, I’m thinking. But then I saw the price. “Fuck me!” I spluttered (perhaps that exclamation will engender the ultimate result – and the pie would have had nothing to do with it). £7.99, ladies and gentlemen. Seven of our English pounds and ninety-nine of our English pence! There are two pies in the pack, granted, but it’s still around four pounds for a one-person sized pie. Those bulls must have golden balls. I think David Beckham missed a trick there.