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Advert Schmadvert (2)

August 20, 2009

I had the misfortune of running into this ad a couple of weeks ago but I think it’s been on our screens for a while. It’s for the Peugeot 308 Verve with the slogan Drivesexy. That slogan alone makes me want to eat my own feet. It features an unfeasibly attractive and smug car salesman, dressed in black in a super shiny and modern showroom and a beautiful but equally smug woman, also dressed in black with poker straight hair who’s potentially a customer.

The ad starts by the woman declaring that she’s looking for something ‘drivesexy.’ For the pedants, it’s a warm-up to the strangulation of the English language in this 30-second monster. It would be like shooting fish in a barrel to mention that the participants of this crap are American. Well, I haven’t been to the water for a while, so let’s go fishing. He starts his chat, then she says “fact me.” Fact me. Is that supposed to show you are a decisive, strong woman with a snappy line? It doesn’t, love. You’re a numpty. I only hope this doesn’t catch on like ‘chillax’ or ‘bromance,’ but I fear it will. OK, people, you can start the clock now. He proceeds to give more cocky arrogant lyrics about the extras – yada, yada. You get chump change out of twelve and a half grand and he makes it sound like he’s practically giving the car away. Throughout this nonsense they’re supposedly flirting with faux sophistication, when you know they’d be going at it like dogs in a back yard, given half the chance to drop the shiny façade, assuming of course there is real chemistry between them. There is not, I repeat, there is not. No sex, just menopausal admen smugness. If you want to see couples with actual chemistry on screen, let me suggest a few. George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez in Out of Sight, Maddy and David in Moonlighting before they jumped the shark by stopping the flirting and finally getting it on, Niles Crane and Daphne Moon in Frasier before they too jumped the shark, Dennis Quaid and Ellen Barkin in The Big Easy, Marlon Brando with any leading lady, Bogart and Bacall in just about anything.

The actor playing this tool may be a great guy, but I’m afraid his is the face we will all want to punch, particularly when he utters the final immortal line in response to her request for any colour other than black, thereby putting the final nail in this rancid coffin: “we have nu-waar.” The case rests, m’lord.

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