How Do I Fleece Thee This Valentine’s Day? – Let Me Count The WaysFebruary 12, 2010
Ah… Valentine’s Day. It’s a time for lovers, young and old, in relationships new and established. But not for you, the lovelorn, the undesirable, the recently dumped and the widowed. You’ve been firmly shut out. But there is good news. Let me show you the ways those same lovers will be relieved of their hard earned by buying cheap tat and expensive jewellery to prove their love. They’ll also be at restaurants where special ‘Valentine’ menus will be offered at inflated prices. Knowing you’ll have no part in this circus should bring a smile to your face.
OK, then. Let’s start with the usual suspects:
Moving swiftly, we arrive at music stores raiding their back catalogues to cobble together as many awful chick flick DVDs and romantic compilation CDs as they can stuff in a corner of the store, bedecked in red and/or pink. Even Seasick Steve, the redneck bluesman has got in on the act with a special edition mini album of love. You’ll know the world is coming to an end when Lemmy from Motorhead decides to pop one out.
Saving the best ‘til last, I bring a selection of the most gratuitous use of the words ‘Valentine’ and the colours red and pink to sell just about anything. This category is particularly pleasing when you see it slapped on items you’d normally take for everyday use. I found an absolute treasure trove in Tesco’s and took photos for you at great risk, because in 21st century Britain, a photographer is in danger of being taken for a potential terrorist on a reconnaissance. At the very least, I would’ve been escorted out of the store.
First item is a Valentine ribbon. This is not just any red ribbon you could buy at a Haberdashery; this is a special Valentine ribbon whose powers can help you lasso your soul mate. Valentine ribbon will not be held responsible for any charges levied against you for stalking, kidnapping and tying up your object of desire.
What better way to end your romantic meal than washing the dishes together and drying them with a Valentine towel. If you also manage to limit your use of water and use an environmentally friendly washing up liquid like Ecover, you’ll score many brownie points and possibly a shag.
You thought crackers were only for Christmas. Well you’re wrong. Very wrong. And so is this:
I mustn’t forget to include Asda, because they managed to produce this baby:
Time is short I know, but if you’d like to alert me to some Valentine tat on t’internet, I’d be happy to have a look. Well, I say I’d be happy to have a look, but I expect to be totally, totally appalled.