The Election Is Coming!

April 22, 2010

It’s been a few weeks since the worst kept secret was revealed: that the people of Great Britain PLC will be going to the polls on the 6th May. It was the starting pistol for the high school girl’s locker room bitchfest that is the political campaigning for the top spot at 10 Downing Street. Although the smaller parties will be yapping in the margins, the three main parties of Labour, Conservative and Liberal Democrat will be centre stage.

Long before the official announcement, the campaigning had been underway. ‘Call me Dave’ Cameron’s face was on a set of posters for the Conservatives earlier this year. Unfortunately, those posters fell foul of graffiti protesters and brilliant Photoshoppers who ripped them to pieces. Since the announcement of the election, we’ve had more posters telling us why this one is rubbish and that one is useless… blah, blah, blah. The leaders wives have been wheeled out, because the spin doctors in la la land (and I don’t mean L.A) have sniffed one focus group statistic too many and reason that knowing the fragrancy, fecundity (Samantha Cameron is pregnant, don’t you know?) and efficiency of their wardrobe and hairstyles will boost the ‘wimmin’ vote. There are visits to schools and bakeries, plus posing with a man dressed as a chicken(!). What you have to do to get those votes, eh? Mr Cameron (that man again) had the dubious honour of being the first to be ‘egged’ by a schoolboy on one of those visits yesterday. Caught him square in the back it did, sir. He shrugged it off in amusement, unlike John Prescott, former Deputy Prime Minister, who in 2001 got ‘egged’ when he was out on the streets campaigning in Rhyl, in Wales. His old boxing skills were revived as he repaid the compliment by punching the miscreant in the face.

John Prescott, former deputy Prime Minister

Don’t pick a fight with this man. You will not win.

I have to say that so far I’ve been sorely disappointed by the lack of political baby kissing as was the tradition in a bygone age, so I’ve concocted a little something below, for nostalgia’s sake.

Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg threatening to kiss a baby

It would be sloppy of me to not mention the beauty contest also known as the live TV debate, the first of its kind on these shores. Last week, we had the initial parade of the three major candidates in their national dress, on ITV. Both Labour and Conservative are a little tired in our eyes, but wait… what’s this? A little known Liberal Democrat leader called Nick Clegg bounded in like Tigger and captivated the British audience. Suddenly he’s God himself (or is it Morgan Freeman?), according to the hyperventilating press. But that honeymoon period has gone, gone, gone, as today’s newspapers are talking about some party funds channelled through his personal bank account that happened a year before he became leader. Still, we should continue, as the next part of the beauty contest, which is the swimwear section, airs on Sky tonight, followed by the final part, which is where the contestants in their evening wear will tell us how they want world peace and to work with children. I believe that will be on the BBC.

Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg in swimwear for the political beauty contest

If I sound a little more sarcastic than usual on this post, it’s because I’m fed up to the back teeth with yah-boo politics. I’m not five years old. I know this country is in a shocking state financially and I expect it to be very hard for the next five years. There will be cuts and there will probably be a raise in taxes, because there always is. I just need to know which areas and hopefully I can adapt accordingly. Other issues like our place in the world arena and our slowly eroding freedoms here in this country could also do with some attention. Tell me what you intend to do, truthfully and I may vote for you. Or not.



  1. You’ve shown me how to face the awful deceit of politics with grace and lightness, Pie. I’m beginning to think I grant the “party boys” too much power by getting so pissed-off every time they speak.

    • Oh, I get pissed off with them, Mikey. Don’t you worry about that. My anger leads me to either shoot off and offend everyone, or take the piss once I give myself a little time to think before I respond. Ripping into the ridiculousness of a situation is much more satisfying – and entertaining.

  2. you gotta laugh… http://www.fridgemagnet.org.uk/toys/dave-met.php

    • I don’t know where you find these things. This is brilliant.

  3. Hi Pie

    Oh this was well worth the wait!
    Thought there was a little entertainment needed along with this so check this out!
    I think you will be whistling along with this soon enough!


    • I’m glad you enjoyed it, Ant. I certainly enjoyed writing it. Pass it on to whoever you think may be interested. That song on your YouTube link is mad. Mass debate indeed.

  4. What??? No more rotten tomatoes? Whatever’s become of our putrid history of odiferous peltings???

    So many people and such a dearth of political talent. If it’s any consolation, the scarcity is global 🙂

  5. When I think of the election debates I think of Futurama: I don’t know if you’ve seen the election episode but basically the two candidates are John Jackson and Jack Johnson, two perfectly identical clones who have the same policies and spout the same nonsense. Isn’t this what our election is like? I can imagine standing in the booth and going: “crap, I can’t tell the bleeding difference, who the hell do I vote for?!”

    • Who to vote for indeed. That was such a good description of that Futurama episode, I don’t need to see the show!

  6. LOL I just heard and watched Gordon’s gaffe on TV. Looks like he’s added grease to the slippery slope he’s descending??

    • That slope is beyond slippery. As they say, it’s all over bar the shouting. I think he’ll be glad of the break.

  7. I know this is late and I’ve already posted a comment but the expression on David Cameron’s face is just perfect for that swimsuit competition!

    • You know, I’ve just had a look at that picture again and you’re right. I just thought it was a good face to use, but there must’ve been something subconscious going on there. Unlike the baby one above, where I had to tweak like my life depended on it to get Clegg and Cameron to pout. Gordon Brown already had it. I didn’t have to do a thing!

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