Mirdle, Girdle and Cellulite Knickers

May 3, 2010

Underwear has helped change the human shape for hundreds of years. The changes are most marked in the female silhouette. There have been various types of restraining corsets and girdles to keep everything in and give an appealing shape. In the last 40 years, in the spirit of free love and independence, we’ve been letting it all hang out, with big pants, small pants, boxers and thongs. You could go commando like Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears and find your cat exposed to an audience that goes beyond your partner or gynaecologist, thanks to those friendly paparazzi, but most of us will wear some kind of free flowing undergarment.

In our society where obesity is becoming king and quick fix its queen, underwear is going back to its constraining roots of yesteryear. There’s been the rise of ‘magic’ underwear for women, which promises to sculpt and hide flaws like the girdles of yore. Gok Wan swears by it. We also have a male version called the mirdle, which holds in your flabby bits and trims your waist by at least an inch and a half. They come in vest and T-shirt styles, so they don’t look like a girdle and are impressive to the female eye. She may be in for a long night though, as you struggle to get out of it, then when the Tiger that is your beer gut runs free, she orders a taxi. A successful date, then. And have you noticed how the people who least need them usually model these items? I’d have been more impressed if they were worn by real people. You know, the ones whose girth blocks out the sun.

Cellulite pants, which I’d not heard of before this week, had been condemned by Which? magazine for making misleading claims. Other stores like Debenhams and John Lewis have their own versions, but the bullets were aimed squarely at Marks and Spencer. Their pants, selling at £29.50 contain vitamin E, Aloe Vera and caffeine. They claim the pants have been independently proven to reduce visible signs of cellulite. According to Which? who employed two consultant plastic surgeons and a dermatologist to examine the claims, there were doubts about the evidence and they believed you could get similar effects of smoother skin by wearing very tight underwear without the extra ingredients.

I suggest a better way of ingesting these miraculous ingredients: get some Vodka/Gin/Rum and mix in Aloe Vera Juice and coffee, with a dash of vitamin E for a cellulite cocktail. You may not see the difference, but by the fourth one you won’t care.



  1. This one’s so amusing. At first I thought I had tuned in an episode of “Trim Jeans Theatre”…

    The C-pants rank up there with the Hawaii Chair, having a high “woo-woo” content.

    • Oh, ho, Mikey! You bring me back to woo-woo. I think the cellulite pants are definitely up there with the Hawaii chair. For those who don’t know what we’re talking about, have a root around Mikey’s site and you’ll find the full article. It’s really rather good.

      I didn’t know what ‘Trim Jeans Theatre’ was until I trawled through t’internet and found the Monty Python sketch. They do look rather fetching!

  2. Maybe i could have a new career – being ones of these REAL models with the amount of cellulite i seem to have amassed over the last few years!!!??? I think not….

    Anyway i saw this and thought of this article…

    • Aww, go on. Put yourself forward. You never know, there could be a new career in it for you.

      KK cup? How big is that? On second thoughts scrap that. I really don’t want to know!

  3. This post made me laugh; I’m glad I stopped by. Hmmm – an alcofrolic cocktail or a garment infused with what sound like the ingredients for one? Hard choice. Give me a nanosecond. With a cherry please.

    • Hello, DB. Thanks for visiting my blog. I’m glad you enjoyed the post. You can have a look at other posts whenever you’re at a loose end. Go for the cocktail with the cherry on top. You know you want to.

      I’ll be visiting you from time to time whenever I need to check for grammar and/or find the origin of words.

  4. I’m wearing all three. i live in hope.


  5. As a mirdle wearer I can confirm that when I do finish my escaplogy act and let the ‘tiger’ out she’s far too busy admiring the …ahem… “elephant” to notice!

    Besides with my sun-eclipsing belly it’s reassuringly dark… 😉

    • What a fine response sir, and welcome to my blog.

      I had a look at your link and it appears to be a business rather than a blog. It’s for this reason that I have removed it and kept the comment, because I liked what you had to say. I was particularly impressed by the way you linked this subject with the one about the Elephant parade in London. If you decide to return, I’d be more than happy to see you. Thanks once again for your comments.

  6. More of a busy-ness than a business. I think of it as creativity with potential perks. “We’ve all got to live somehow… Go awn, ‘ave an ‘eart — give a bloke a chance, Missus!”

    Just think of me mirdle mangling as selling “bubble wrap” for would-be grooms who want to fit into their finery!

    • Oh, ho! I see from the way you weaved the bubble wrap into your comment that you have been reading my other posts. Well done, sir, well done. OK, this is what’s going to happen now. I will keep the url to your site, on condition that you continue to make comments on other posts, as and when you see fit, without mention of your mirdle. The link to your username should be good enough. I think, if you don’t already have one, that you should set up your own blog. You can either attach it to your site, or have it as a separate entity, because I think you are a fine wordsmith.

      • Gawd bless you! You is an angel, an angel I tell ya! The ‘eavens have opened and smiled on me today!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: