Mirdle, Girdle and Cellulite KnickersMay 3, 2010
Underwear has helped change the human shape for hundreds of years. The changes are most marked in the female silhouette. There have been various types of restraining corsets and girdles to keep everything in and give an appealing shape. In the last 40 years, in the spirit of free love and independence, we’ve been letting it all hang out, with big pants, small pants, boxers and thongs. You could go commando like Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears and find your cat exposed to an audience that goes beyond your partner or gynaecologist, thanks to those friendly paparazzi, but most of us will wear some kind of free flowing undergarment.
In our society where obesity is becoming king and quick fix its queen, underwear is going back to its constraining roots of yesteryear. There’s been the rise of ‘magic’ underwear for women, which promises to sculpt and hide flaws like the girdles of yore. Gok Wan swears by it. We also have a male version called the mirdle, which holds in your flabby bits and trims your waist by at least an inch and a half. They come in vest and T-shirt styles, so they don’t look like a girdle and are impressive to the female eye. She may be in for a long night though, as you struggle to get out of it, then when the Tiger that is your beer gut runs free, she orders a taxi. A successful date, then. And have you noticed how the people who least need them usually model these items? I’d have been more impressed if they were worn by real people. You know, the ones whose girth blocks out the sun.
Cellulite pants, which I’d not heard of before this week, had been condemned by Which? magazine for making misleading claims. Other stores like Debenhams and John Lewis have their own versions, but the bullets were aimed squarely at Marks and Spencer. Their pants, selling at £29.50 contain vitamin E, Aloe Vera and caffeine. They claim the pants have been independently proven to reduce visible signs of cellulite. According to Which? who employed two consultant plastic surgeons and a dermatologist to examine the claims, there were doubts about the evidence and they believed you could get similar effects of smoother skin by wearing very tight underwear without the extra ingredients.
I suggest a better way of ingesting these miraculous ingredients: get some Vodka/Gin/Rum and mix in Aloe Vera Juice and coffee, with a dash of vitamin E for a cellulite cocktail. You may not see the difference, but by the fourth one you won’t care.