Ask Danny (On Second Thoughts, Don’t)

May 6, 2010

Danny Dyer is an actor, presenter and all round geezer. He’s also an ‘agony aunt’ at lad’s mag Zoo magazine. Zoo magazine, for your information, is a British weekly aimed at young men, containing birds, sport and pub type jokes. As well as the usual celebrity stuff and film reviews, there are regular features like ‘The Week In Boobs’ and ‘Real Girls of the Year’. GQ it is not.

Danny Dyer has a column called ‘Ask Danny’ where readers write in with their problems and Danny, being a geezer, sorts it aaaht. His most recent advice to the lovelorn and confused has got many people hot under the collar. A reader has been dumped and is heartbroken. What should he do? Well here’s what you do, my son, Danny Dyer style:

“I’d suggest going out on a rampage with the boys, getting on the booze and smashing anything that moves. Then, when some bird falls for you, you can turn the tables and break her heart. Of course, the other option is to cut your ex’s face, and then no one will want her”


Zoo back peddled, like a politician caught with their hand in the public purse and apologised, putting it down to a ‘production error.’

A production error? Really? I’ve worked on publications. Not extensively, granted, but I do know that with the odd typo excepted, it’s difficult to make that kind of ‘error’. The author would’ve written it. The proofreader would’ve checked it for spelling and grammar. The designer would’ve been looking at it as he/she moves the copy around the page to put it in context and make the right fit and the editor would’ve approved it. I have to assume, therefore, that at the offices of Zoo, Stevie Wonder is the proofreader, Ray Charles is the designer and Andrea Bocelli is the editor.



  1. I dunno what yer sayin’ luv. producshun error is wot it was n i’ll kneecap anyone who says different

    bloody pc liberal pie-eaters…

    No seriously, I think I might use that excuse for everything now, I can hear myself saying firmly ‘I’m terribly sorry it was a production error’ and everyone dumbstruck. Might even use it when I burn the rice. Nice.

    • This whole blog is a production error 😉

  2. Danny Dyer advises a heart-broken dumpee to cut his ex’s face. Jade Goody is caught on camera being a racist bully. Carol Thatcher is overheard likening someone to a ‘gollywog’ and refuses to appologize. Bruce Forsythe says that the public getting offended by Du Beke’s ‘paki’ comment is political correctness gone mad. No big deal.They’re celebrities. But Gordon Brown caught calling a bigoted woman…I mean ‘a Rochdale pensioner’ ‘a bigoted woman’ ..now that’s an outrage….!

    • If you’re a celebrity, you can get away with almost anything. I’m sure if you were able to have the mic on the other candidates away from the public while the election campaign was going on, you’d have heard far worse.

  3. I’m sure what they meant with the “production error” was not the magazine but that Danny Dyer guy. Obviously he’s genetically engineered/altered and something went horribly wrong. From what you describe about the guy, they could have clued into that fact earlier but well, obviously they’re not that bright and maybe their chief genetics engineer jumped the ship? ;D

    • It was his cheeky cock-er-nee, laddish hard man image that was attractive to the mag, so they signed him up. I’ve heard him in interviews and he seems to be alright, but I’d say he’s shot himself in the foot with this one. You can’t put that in print. It’s not even vaguely funny. It’s just not on.

      • It’s not funny at all, no. And I’m not even sure what I find worse – writing that (maybe in a somewhat twisted attempt to be edgy-funny?) or putting this into print as a professional magazine where you should better. Because it is your job. At least there was a clear and loud reaction because what often shocks me most today is what people are willing to let slide – be it by politicians or, e.g. here in Germany right now, by the church.

  4. It seems that the production error occurred between Mr. and Mrs. Dyer.

    • Lol! That was cold, Oma. Stone cold.

      • Smiles, waves, bows, and quietly walks out.

  5. Why is it when it is violence against a woman it is viewed as joke. Let some woman talk about doing a “Bobbit” (remember her) and men would be talking about how hostile women are towards men.

    Oh well…..you could just kill them with kindness.

    • It wasn’t viewed as a joke this time. Not by people I spoke to, or most of the British press. In fact the last I heard, that column was pulled from the mag and Danny has been dropped, such is the power of Twitter. The fact that it caused such outrage should give you hope that things are (very slowly) changing. Thanks for having a look at my blog. I happen to like yours too. Pop in again when you get a free moment.

  6. what happened to Danny’s Dyer’s traditional east end manly pride: “women and children first, give ’em a bit of respect and dignity, cap off in front of the missus, argy bargy but only with the lads” etc etc. oh Danny, you’ll never eat an eel pie in peace again.

    • It’s all over now, son. Just make yer own concrete shoes and toddle off to the river, there’s a good boy.

  7. Ahem. How did you find out about this one — assuming you’re not a regular reader of Mr Dyer’s column in Zoo? 😀

    • You assumed correctly, dear reader. I’m not a reader of Zoo, but the story was all over the papers at the time and I just had to respond. I quite like him in his geezer films, but in this instance he played a muppet like a pro.

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