Simon Cowell is taking over the (music) world. One hit at a time

August 8, 2010

Simon Cowell, the man responsible for the X-Factor, Britain’s Got Talent, American Idol and other music and entertainment related reality programmes, and I use the words ‘music’ and ‘entertainment’ in its loosest form here, is looking to storm the charts this year from the start of the X-Factor until Christmas with the release of up to 16 singles every week. Yes, dear reader, up to 16 e-ve-ry week.

Simon Cowell, X Factor judge

Crikey! I need to get a wriggle on if I want to dominate the British charts

Apparently, the plan is to make downloads available of all the contestants taking part once the show has finished broadcasting. Hell is about to ascend and he will be with us for three months. We did well to keep him away from the Christmas number one last year with a Facebook campaign featuring Rage Against The Machine, restoring the Christmas singles race to what it should be: genuine excitement with the winner unknown until the very last moment. He almost killed that British tradition stone dead, having dominated the charts for four years with absolute shite, until that wonderful moment in 2009. I don’t think even a trillion Facebook and Twitter campaigns will be enough to keep him off the top slot every week. He’s bound to get at least one in there. Brace yourselves, ladies and gentlemen: this could get ugly.

In the meantime, a disgruntled woman who auditioned for Britain’s Got Talent and didn’t get through because she was, quite frankly, rubbish, is aiming to get £2.5 million from the high-waisted trousered one for hurt feelings and lost potential earnings. According to her, she did a much better singing attempt on the Britain’s Got More Talent show where rejects and winners are interviewed, but had complained that this wasn’t shown. That doesn’t mean a thing. Britain’s Got More Talent is after the event. The audition is the event itself. She also claimed that she has a medical condition, which impairs her ability to perform in noisy environments! Stevie Wonder is blind. Evelyn Glennie is deaf. Their disabilities didn’t stop them from being excellent musicians.

The fact that she is punching well above her weight for her predicted loss of earnings is fairly amusing in itself, but she would’ve had a (small) point if she had gone for an audition at the very first Britain’s Got Talent. At the first show, no one going for it would’ve known what to expect, though if you’d seen the X-Factor, you would’ve had a bit of an idea, if you were honest with yourself. Still, we are now something like three or four series down the line. And she auditioned last year. What she needs to know is that if you were to audition for a part in the real world of acting, singing, dancing and the like, it would be much more brutal. If you don’t want to be humiliated, don’t play that game and definitely don’t go for an audition on a TV show.



  1. That is why he is leaving the states, to inflict himself further on Britain?

    I’m glad we wont have to hear from him quite so much, but regret it is at your expense.

  2. Well, we created him, so we have to own him, I suppose. Just like last year, I will not have to watch a single minute of the show to know all about the contestants, because they’ll be all over the news and print media. I’m not looking forward to it.

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