Is My Bum Big In This? Stupid London Burglar Gets Stuck In A Window

August 17, 2010

Well, I never expected to be writing about two stupid criminals in less than a week, but here goes…

It was a quiet, peaceful Monday night in Bow, Just a few miles from my own Pie Palace. That peace was broken between the hours of 2 and 3am by a burglar, as yet unnamed, who was trying to get in through a 12 inch by 8 inch window. A small space to negotiate, you’d have to agree. Fair play to him for trying, but the muppet became stuck halfway and was left with his legs and arse sticking out for six hours until the emergency services set him free at around 8.30am.

Jar of Vaseline

I think you should’ve used this, sir

The neighbours came out to laugh at him. Most said they wanted him to be left there, though if it were my house, the sight of his face as I munched on my cornflakes before I left for work, and his arse smiling at me as I approached my door wouldn’t have enhanced my day. One neighbour who’s a surgeon, told the emergency services that he could get the burglar out without damaging the window, but they politely declined, saying that they would rather get him out in one piece. If that surgeon ever gets tired of his job and wants another career, he could do worse than become a comedian. It worked for Harry Hill, so why not?

To add to the burglar’s shame, he was led to the ambulance, handcuffed of course, wearing only his tracksuit bottoms and trainers. He lost his top as he was being freed. The best part of this is that he was described as white and thin, though why colour should come into this is anyone’s guess. Be sky blue pink if you like, but you’re not getting into my fucking house if you’re not invited. He must’ve thought: “I’m skinny. I can get through that,” Kate Moss would’ve struggled to get in that window. Have a word with yourself, geez. Have a word.



  1. How I enjoyed this post, you are a writer of quality, and although you know this, you are indeed generous to share your talent freely. Go well.

    • Thank you very much, sir.

      Whether I’m aware of the quality of my writing, or not, a compliment is always appreciated. If a person enjoys reading these posts as much as I enjoy making them, then my job is done.

  2. Good one. Always amazes me how so many people decide to put stupidity into action.

    • That has to be one of the best succinct responses I’ve ever had. Decide to put stupidity into action… brilliant! Please come again whenever you have a spare moment. You’re more than welcome.

  3. They told him he’d use math after he got out of school, but he refused to believe.

  4. hahaha, something similar happened in taiwan.. apparently the burglar was not charged with theft, since he had only one foot in!

    • Oh, don’t publicize that one, Joyce. Every skank crim in town will try and use that excuse to escape jail! Great to hear from you again. I hope all is well with you. Try not to leave it so long next time.

  5. I love your take on things, highly amusing.
    My Dad just reminded me of the fact that ‘Vaseline is supposed to be for men – because it’s for CHAPS.’
    Well, I think this guy really did need that vaseline… It’s for criminal chaps too!

    • “It’s for criminal chaps too!”

      Nice one. I like it.

  6. Hahahahahahaha! Priceless!!!Er, if he was a Muppet, then all you have to do to get him fee is to release the hand from up the…..
    agh! ewww …Muppets have real legs???!!! (remind me to look at their cousins the Puppets more cautiously from now on LOL)
    Now WHERE WERE the supermarkets offloading their old (very old, yes ancient, rancid, ultra squishy, reject) tomatoes etc when you needed them most? a good pelting would have had multiple effects:
    a)public justice (especially for the owners of the window in question)
    b)you would have made 98% of London grin from ear to ear.
    c) may deter some other idiots.
    d) might possibly even have had the necessary lubricative effect and saved on the Vaseline.
    … otherwise I’m with the surgeon, why not a little educational public “history of surgery” lesson, Today’s topic people is “hung, drawn and quartered” … Ladies and Gentlemen we will start with the quartering bit… criminals need more of the Fear of God and less of the Criminal Justice system, no?
    but !their rights, their rights.. I know, I know. But what of the rights of genuinely law abiding people to not have their homes invaded and their processions nicked?
    Come ON, the police would surely have seen the justice and looked the other way (the stupid criminal certainly was *facing* the wrong way)… More stupid the local populous who had SIX HOURS to find some tomatoes!!!!????

    • Tomatoes? This is East London. They would’ve used bricks. Or their dogs.

  7. Oh my goodness – he must have felt so vulnerable! I am suprised he retained his trousers in that area of East London.
    I really enjoyed the way you ‘reported’ it.

    • If you’d seen the picture, you’d know that no one would’ve gone for his trousers. Trust me!

      If he hadn’t tried to get into someone’s house uninvited, he would’ve had nothing to feel vulnerable about. A rare, but beautiful piece of poetic justice, I think.

  8. Enjoyed this post very much. It did make me laugh. As well as the other comments and responses. Made me think about a story I read recently in US newspaper(solemn not funny)about a woman Dr who tried to get into the house of her ex-boyfriend by going down the chimney. She got stuck in the chimney and died. They didn’t find her until a few days later. This was a women Dr. Talk about stupidity and desperation. Did’t mean to bring everyone down. Must be a another sign of the times.

    • I heard about that story and filed it under ‘bizarre.’ Desperation can make you do strange things! The only people who can go up or down chimneys with any success are small boys, and we stopped doing that years ago.

  9. Or Santa Claus… but that’s a completely different story. 😀

    • It certainly is! Thanks for reminding me. Christmas is coming soon, of course, so brace yourself.

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