I Love Shopping At Waitrose – What Could Possibly Spoil It?

January 22, 2011

Regular readers will know that I love Waitrose, the supermarket arm of John Lewis. I don’t yet earn the kind of money to shop there more than once a month, as it’s one of the more expensive supermarkets like M&S, but I’m working on it. Waitrose is a fragrant store. The layout and typography is beautiful, the food looks inviting, the staff are unfailingly polite and helpful, and the customers seem to glide along the aisles as light as feathers. The customers of budget stores, on the other hand, seem to be weighed down by their penury. Now I’m not having a go at budget stores. Lidl was one of my favourites, long before it became the budget store du jour amongst some newspaper columnists at the height of our recession a couple of years ago. But these are my observations and I’m sure if you took a moment to think about your contrasting stores, you’d agree.

Montage of the Waitrose logo set in a flaming heart

I loves ya, Waitrose... Yes I do!

Last night, I was at my local Waitrose in Canary Wharf, taking in the imaginary fragrance of jasmine and roses, gliding along the aisles with the equally fragrant shoppers. I had picked my items and was gliding towards the till when I passed another fragrant customer. The scent she left behind wasn’t jasmine and roses. I found myself gagging as rotten eggs shot up my nose like a rat in a drainpipe. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, she had farted, and I was left coughing hard on my way to the checkout to try and dislodge the skunk that had now taken root in my throat. In one moment of sphincter release, I had moved from glide to drag. I could not leave that store fast enough.

Say what you like about Lidl – nobody’s ever farted at me in one of their stores.



  1. OMG I am laughing SO hard Pie!!! (and my imagination is working overtime picturing the scene)
    Just proves that cash doesn’t buy class LOL!

    • It certainly doesn’t! Use your imagination if you like, but you should’ve been there…

      • No,no honestly, I’m most happy to leave you to enjoy *that* fragrant experience ALL on your own!!!! (grinning)

  2. As they say here (to ease the embarrassment),
    she wasn’t farting AT you. She was farting WITH you.
    But the point is moot when inhaling the toot.

    • “The point is moot when inhaling the toot.” That’s good rhyming, Mikey.

      You know, if she was farting WITH me, we’d had synchronised our toxic gas so that at the point of passing (in every sense), we’d have let rip and left a trail of devastation in our wake. Share the love is what I say!

  3. Perhaps thats why they bring in the jasmine scent. The delicate digestive systems of the well to do are dangerous.

    • You may have a point there, Oma. They need to cut back on the Foie Gras.

  4. Very Funny!!!!

  5. An unfortunate encounter with the Silent But Deadly. Although…does Waitrose sell little spray vials to use against attackers? Maybe she’d been trying one out?

    • I tell you what, that humdinger would’ve knocked any attacker on to the floor. How I remained standing is an answer only the universe can provide.

  6. Aw. You know, I wouldn’t take it personally. She’s not farting at you, she’s farting with you.

    That came out wrong.

    • Whatever came out of that woman’s guts was definitely wrong – and I was the lucky recipient.

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