Royal Wedding Tat Watch – Wills And Kate Masks

March 9, 2011

And the tat just keeps on coming…

Yesterday I was in Canary Wharf, that little part of East London, which prides itself on being shiny, classy and sophisticated. Some may call it sterile and dull; I couldn’t possibly comment. Anyway, I was in the shopping centre and on passing a card shop saw this in the window:

Kate and Wills royal wedding party masks

You’d better believe it, ladies and gentlemen. You can now get your own mask of Wills or Kate to show your support on the big day. I’m sure the royal couple have been shielded from most of this nonsense (or maybe their staff are building a collection, so they can have a laugh once they’re on honeymoon), but I can’t imagine a more disconcerting sight than seeing a thousand faces looking exactly like you lining the route as you make your way to or from the church in your royal coach. It’s a bit like John Malkovich being everywhere in Being John Malkovich, or the Window Licker video by Aphex Twin where every person featured has the (truly scary) face of the main man.

Coming soon: royal wigs in the style of Wills and Kate, royal large teeth and coloured contact lenses at a store near you.



  1. Expect them to be used by bank robbers sometime soon…

    • I hadn’t even thought of that! I think it would be more effective though if the masks were made of latex. Yeah, it could be like the Dead Presidents in Point Break, except it would be the very much alive royals. What part would prince Andrew play in that scenario, I wonder?

      • Great idea for bank robbers, we’ll be hearing more about that one I’m sure. They’ll definitely appreciate your upgraded latex version idea. Scary stuff…

        • Imagine the police line-up of suspects “THAT ONE ! (pointing to the guy in the mask) the PRINCE did it!!!!”

  2. that would be disturbing to look out of a limo and see

    • Wouldn’t it just. Seeing your own face in the mirror can be more than enough for some of us…

    • But if it could be pulled off, someone would videotape it and post it on YouTube. It would go viral. And we could say, “we knew Pie And Biscuits before she put out the idea for the video.” And we, too, would be cool.

      • Aww, bless you my dear. Don’t worry, you’ll get your namecheck. Credit where credit’s due is what I say.

  3. By the time the wedding date arrives you might be so sick of the tat these could have a second life as dartboards. (also suitable for the ex-girlfriends who didn’t get the Prince ???)

    • Well, if ex-girlfriends start wearing Kate Middleton masks, I would have to seriously consider the state of their heads.

      • LOL no, not ex-girlfriends wearing “her”.. but sticking it on the wall and throwing darts at “her”!

        • Aha. My mistake. Mind you, there could still be one ex donning the mask in the ultimate show of delusion and optimism in the face of reality.

  4. … Oh and the next G8 protests too…

    • That would be excellent! The ultimate in anti-establishment protest.

  5. Think Dylan Moran in Black Books and apply the knowledge that I am channeling him in the following:

    [Uncomprehendingly, inexplicably angry] “What? What?

  6. Oh, and:
    “Some may call it [Canary Wharf] sterile and dull; I couldn’t possibly comment.”

    I’m sure you possibly could. Just like the rictus-grins of the Big-Willy-and-Pushkin* masks, I find the clean-squeaky-shiny-soullessness of Carary Wharf very scary indeed.

    *Or whatever

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