Royal Wedding Tat Watch – Pie’s Royal Wedding Fantasy Tat ShopApril 27, 2011
In this final week leading up to the royal wedding, the tat train, like a Japanese bullet or a TGV, is hitting high speed. That train is moving so fast now it’s been hard to keep up. Therefore, I have decided that now is the time to stop chasing other people’s tat and open my own fantasy shop, the contents of which would’ve been sold to procure the king’s shilling. However ridiculous my efforts may be here, it’s more than possible that something similar will already be out there. You have been warned.
Let’s start with this baby: the Royal Wedding Life belt. Vital for when you’re drowning in tat and sentimental goo.
How about the Royal Wedding Wellington boot? Very handy for slippery areas where the oil of sycophancy could be just too much.
No more tears? No tears to start with? For the sentimental and the cynical, let the Royal Wedding Onion help you squeeze out more (or at least a little, to show willing) of that salty eye water.
All hail the Royal Wedding Space Hopper. Jump (or bounce) for joy at the prime union while watching it on a giant screen at a park near you. Produced in the classic 1970s orange (or Pantone Orange 021 C for the designers amongst you) featuring the face of prince William, or Kate Middleton, buying either one will show your preference for the royal him or soon-to-be royal her. Buying both as a couple will declare to one and all your devotion to each other as you bounce down a makeshift aisle.
Hungry? Then chomp on a Royal Wedding Pie. Perfect for the football fan that doesn’t want to miss out. A winning combination of masculine prime steak and seasonal vegetables, soaked in a sweet, but not too sweet, plum infused rich gravy, lovingly encased in a wonderfully crisp short crust pastry. The benign faces of the royal couple smiling at you from atop the pie should be the balm to soothe the pain of watching your team hurtling towards relegation like a lemming to a cliff.
Make it real family affair and buy these specials for the children. First, the sweets of yesteryear, which have had a great comeback: Royal Wedding Flying Saucers. Buying these special sweets for that special day will have your little ones fizzing with delight – and bouncing off the walls.
The second children’s special is a Royal Wedding finger puppet set. Stick the royal couple’s heads to your digits and you can replay the happy event again and again. Wedding ring included.
Are you a Hells Angel, Goth, gang member or a fan of the tramp stamp and want to show your love of the royal wedding, but don’t want to be laughed out of town? Have a Royal Wedding Temporary Tattoo! It only needs to be in place for a day and can be removed quickly and easily once the event is over. Just make sure your arm is not papped and exposed on Twitter, your shame to be in cyberspace forevermore.
Say it loud! I’m a royalist and proud! Make sure everyone knows about it with a Royal Wedding Vuvuzela. Why should World Cup fans have all the fun? Blow your trumpet as the carriage carrying Wills and Kate draws near. Product disclaimer: we cannot be held responsible for the actions of other devotees if they shove the Vuvuzela down your throat.
We may be living in austere times, but you’ll still want to feel like the richest person in the world. With a Royal Wedding Credit Card, you can! Spend like your life depends on it for one day only, dear reader, as the banks loosen their fiscal belts, then go for you like a Pitbull once the card expires. The hangover will be heavy, but you felt like a royal for the day, so it was worth it, wasn’t it?
Please come in and have a browse. If you want to buy, you have only a couple of days left. With this shop, fortune will be mine… bwah ha haaaa! I would’ve got cracking on this much sooner if I were doing it for real – but I couldn’t be arsed.