Royal Wedding Tat Watch – Pie’s Royal Wedding Fantasy Tat Shop

April 27, 2011

In this final week leading up to the royal wedding, the tat train, like a Japanese bullet or a TGV, is hitting high speed. That train is moving so fast now it’s been hard to keep up. Therefore, I have decided that now is the time to stop chasing other people’s tat and open my own fantasy shop, the contents of which would’ve been sold to procure the king’s shilling. However ridiculous my efforts may be here, it’s more than possible that something similar will already be out there. You have been warned.

Let’s start with this baby: the Royal Wedding Life belt. Vital for when you’re drowning in tat and sentimental goo.

Royal wedding life belt

How about the Royal Wedding Wellington boot? Very handy for slippery areas where the oil of sycophancy could be just too much.

Royal wedding wellington boots

No more tears? No tears to start with? For the sentimental and the cynical, let the Royal Wedding Onion help you squeeze out more (or at least a little, to show willing) of that salty eye water.

Royal wedding onion

All hail the Royal Wedding Space Hopper. Jump (or bounce) for joy at the prime union while watching it on a giant screen at a park near you. Produced in the classic 1970s orange (or Pantone Orange 021 C for the designers amongst you) featuring the face of prince William, or Kate Middleton, buying either one will show your preference for the royal him or soon-to-be royal her. Buying both as a couple will declare to one and all your devotion to each other as you bounce down a makeshift aisle.

Royal wedding spacehoppers

Hungry? Then chomp on a Royal Wedding Pie. Perfect for the football fan that doesn’t want to miss out. A winning combination of masculine prime steak and seasonal vegetables, soaked in a sweet, but not too sweet, plum infused rich gravy, lovingly encased in a wonderfully crisp short crust pastry. The benign faces of the royal couple smiling at you from atop the pie should be the balm to soothe the pain of watching your team hurtling towards relegation like a lemming to a cliff.

Royal wedding pie

Make it real family affair and buy these specials for the children. First, the sweets of yesteryear, which have had a great comeback: Royal Wedding Flying Saucers. Buying these special sweets for that special day will have your little ones fizzing with delight – and bouncing off the walls.

Royal wedding flying saucer sweets

The second children’s special is a Royal Wedding finger puppet set. Stick the royal couple’s heads to your digits and you can replay the happy event again and again. Wedding ring included.

Royal wedding finger puppet set

Are you a Hells Angel, Goth, gang member or a fan of the tramp stamp and want to show your love of the royal wedding, but don’t want to be laughed out of town? Have a Royal Wedding Temporary Tattoo! It only needs to be in place for a day and can be removed quickly and easily once the event is over. Just make sure your arm is not papped and exposed on Twitter, your shame to be in cyberspace forevermore.

Royal wedding tattoo

Say it loud! I’m a royalist and proud! Make sure everyone knows about it with a Royal Wedding Vuvuzela. Why should World Cup fans have all the fun? Blow your trumpet as the carriage carrying Wills and Kate draws near. Product disclaimer: we cannot be held responsible for the actions of other devotees if they shove the Vuvuzela down your throat.

Royal wedding vuvuzela

We may be living in austere times, but you’ll still want to feel like the richest person in the world. With a Royal Wedding Credit Card, you can! Spend like your life depends on it for one day only, dear reader, as the banks loosen their fiscal belts, then go for you like a Pitbull once the card expires. The hangover will be heavy, but you felt like a royal for the day, so it was worth it, wasn’t it?

Royal wedding credit card

Please come in and have a browse. If you want to buy, you have only a couple of days left. With this shop, fortune will be mine… bwah ha haaaa! I would’ve got cracking on this much sooner if I were doing it for real – but I couldn’t be arsed.



  1. I like the wellies for those wet days knee deep in mud, to suitably obscure the images. it’s GroovyChick here using her other blog lol. Can’t be a*sed logging out and logging in to my other blog. Hope you are well.

    • Those wellies would be perfect for festivals. How fab that you are commenting from your other blog. You are more than welcome, whatever your identity.

      • Brilliant gravatar, by the way. You are a very stylish groovy chick.

        • Thanks. Its a sewing machine on the head, thought it apt as my other blog talks about my sewing woes as well as day to day stuff. I hope you are well.

  2. I want me wedding wellies! (Compo would be so proud of you.)

    • Last of the Summer Wine? You really are an Anglophile, sir.

      Those wellies were brought to you by the magic of Photoshop and my silly imagination. I’m happy to have pleased you.

  3. hahahaha. I love the boots. Great post.

    • Thank you, my Sardinian blog friend for allowing me to indulge in this silliness. The space hopper is my favourite, followed by the boots, then the credit card.

  4. I love the Royal Wellies too, they’re great, Will is the left foot and Kate is right one. No more getting your wellies on the wrong feet!!! Also I would definitely go for the flying saucers. And as for the Vuvuzela, well what can I say.

    All I can say is that you should have been out there producing these exciting products, they may be the best I have yet seen!!!

    • You’re not wrong. I’ve been astounded at the items favoured by almost everyone here. If I knew the wellies were going to be so popular, I would’ve got them made pronto, but of course I couldn’t be arsed like I said before. I’m really not a business-minded Pie, but I was doing this for the craic, so I’m glad you enjoyed it.

  5. I want all this tat, especially the space hopper. My vaourite though is a real one, the Kate and William halloween masks people have been wearing round here – they’re wierdly creepy.

    • I’ve seen you on the WP forums when I’ve had the time to look, so you’re very welcome to my blog.

      I’ve already written about those creepy masks, if they’re the ones I think you’re talking about. Just click onto the Royal Wedding 2011 category to find it. The space hopper is also my favourite, but that may be because it reminds me of my childhood, a long, long time ago.

  6. I wonder how much it would cost to distribute vuvuzelas to the adoring crowd?




    • Vu, vu, vu, vu, vu, vu, vu vu vuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

      See? It’s starting to sound like a crowd full of vuvuzelas/lai/lum already.

      • vuvuzelae surely – does no-one (but me) speak proper Latin these days?

  7. Excellent!!!
    I love the wellies, how much?

    • They’re priceless, dear! But if you insist, let me point out that they are a fine example of Photoshop craftsmanship and are therefore very precious items of limited number (i.e. one). You can have them for 1,000 of your virtual pounds – bargain!

  8. Hey! Thinking of you yesterday, so spooky to get an e-mail today!
    Loving the shop. Favourite – the flying saucers because they melt away and
    disappear, unlike the real thing – unfortunately. Want to know why you of all
    people didn’t include ‘your very own pocket sized royal couple’. I’d definitely
    have a set of those – keep the hamster company.

    • You have a hamster? Excellent!

      I thought my finger puppet set was a more than adequate representation of a ‘pocket sized royal couple.’ Besides, there are limited edition (as if there are any other) Kate Middleton dolls already out there, though I haven’t yet seen one for William. Maybe he’s not doll material.

  9. loving the tat watch esp the pie! so appropriate for your blog!

    You should check this out: http://letthemeatcakegame.co.uk

    • Mel, this is brilliant! I don’t know where you find these things. Everybody – you must try out this link. It’s most excellent.

      • Am considering running naked in the streets right now! Everyones indoors glued to their goggleboxes. Wierdly eerie. If there was an invasion of marsians I would be the only one to meet them. Off to the Republic anti royal wedding party in red lion square now (till 3.30).

  10. PnB, you truly have missed your calling in the world of commerce.

    I will dream tonight of how meaningful my life would become if only I could stomp around in those wellies and preserve those pie-faces forever in lucite.

    • I’m going to have to think of something for the Olympics, then actually make it so I can cash in!

      I hope you have sweet dreams of royal wedding wellies and pies tonight and have a lovely day ahead. Apparently, you can watch the wedding on YouTube if you fancy. I don’t imagine you will, though. Won’t it be on at stupid o’clock in the morning in your neck of the woods?

  11. Its all starting at 8.30 tomorrow. I will be having a well deserved lie-in. I think a lot of people will be tuning in to see what Posh and Becks will be wearing as she has a new collection out Lol.

    • As a freelancer, I’ve been losing money through these bank holidays, but like you I intend to have a lie in. However, as you have now alerted me to the possibility of seeing Posh and Becks, I may tune in reasonably early ‘cos I like a good laugh. Let me point out that 8.30am is not reasonable if you don’t have, to get up.

  12. Haha, I love the wellies!!! There’s also a Royal Wedding ashtray out there – not very monarchist stubbing your ciggies out on them….
    It starts @ 8.30am????? No way am I getting up that early

    • Another vote for the wellies!

      Royal wedding ashtrays, eh? That’s pretty tame compared to some of the crap I’ve seen on the web and written about these past few months. Nice to see you on this site, Mandi. Feel free to comment whenever you feel the urge.

  13. In my sweet corner of the ever evolving, breath-taking beauty that is my revolutionary universe, it is not raining, it is not foggy neither and the orchards of cedar trees are swaying gently in the jingle jangle winds of someones change ….. and through the groves of red white and blue that i see before me, a faint hint of the strains of ‘And did those feet’ seeps daintly through the scented air accompanied by orange blossoms falling in rhythm to the happy smiles from a nearby cafe. Ah me!

    Diana would be so happy today.
    Leo pectus pectoris era of orbis terrarum

    • What a great response! Nothing to add here. Thanks very much for your comment.

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