Osama, Obama, Obama, Osama, Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off!

May 7, 2011

It’s been a week of O’s.

Osama Bin Laden is dead; President Obama and the Oval Office are riding the wave of victory; the OMG moment when the news broke; the “Oh thank you, sweet Jesus,” also known as ‘Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead’ moment in New York and Washington, and the OMFG, we’re screwed moment as the very real possibility of a retaliation hit home.

Obama became Osama briefly as Fox40, affiliate channel of Fox news, declared Obama Bin Laden dead. Two men with funny names – an easy mistake to make – oh no! The military didn’t know if they were Arthur or Martha, as they vacillated on the story of how they got their man – oh dear! That image of Obama and his team in the situation room will soon make the front cover of Vanity Fair, as styled by Annie Leibovitz – oh my! Conspiracy theorists, in the absence of hard evidence proving Bin Laden’s demise, have been filling that hole faster than a worker at a doughnut factory: he’s been dead for years! He’s still alive! He’s having tea with Elvis! – o-ho!

Osama Bin Laden and Elvis Presley having tea!

Meanwhile, here in Blighty and London in particular, we were told to be alert, but not alarmed. How wonderfully British. But by Wednesday, our highest-ranking officer in the Metropolitan Police told us to be prepared for an attack at any time and to be vigilant – oh f**k!

Knowing that we now have to look over our shoulders and eye with suspicion rucksacks attached to people with brown faces (again), I needed some light relief. Films about this military operation are now a certainty and they’re bound to be blockbuster events with lots of boom and bang for the buck. With this in mind, I decided to create (drum roll please) Pie’s key cast list.

Let’s start with President Obama. It has to be Will Smith. He’s personable. He has big ears. He slapped down aliens in Independence Day. He’s the best hero on celluloid. He’s an absolute shoo-in. If he’s not available we could use:

  1. Dennis Haysbert, who played the president in 24 – a natural.
  2. Morgan Freeman, who’s played the president at least once and he’s been God. A ringing endorsement if ever there was one.
  3. Martin Sheen, who played a fictional president in The West Wing and a real one in a John F Kennedy Biopic. This man is the President.

Osama Bin Laden is a dream role for David Blaine. His bombastic grandstanding and ability to pull the wool over people’s eyes makes him perfect for the job. Derren Brown would be an equally good choice, but he’d have to abandon that perfectly sculptured face furniture and grow a real beard.

Hilary Clinton is Meryl Streep. Sorry, that should be the other way round. Meryl Streep is Hilary Clinton. Great accent, Meryl. Good job.

Lead Navy Seal? Definitely Matt Damon. Playing Jason Bourne will have had its uses. Jean-Claude Van Damme, Wesley Snipes and Stephen Segal complete the team as Navy Seals number one, two and three – because they KICK ASS.

Matt Damon, Wesley Snipes, Steven Segal and Jean Claude Van Damme as 'Navy Seals'

Who’s playing the British Prime Minister? Jason Statham, or Hugh Grant, of course. They will maintain the enduring American movie myth that Brits are either highfalutin posh people, or coc-ker-nee geezers. If you want a real Prime Minister on board, Michael Sheen can reprise his role for the third time as Tony Blair, even though he wasn’t Prime Minister at the time of this mission. Come on now: when did facts ever get in the way of good casting?

Donald Trump will be played by a Shredded Wheat.

A Shredded Wheat biscuit

There’s a whole raft of people I’ve missed out, so if you want to add to the cast, by all means go ahead.

In the meantime, Osama Bin Laden and Lord Lucan are riding into the sunset on Shergar.



  1. Omg! Im dying over here! What a hoot this post is. Hahaha. I love your tribute to the Donald. (quack)

    • You know, it was a toss up between Shredded Wheat and a Brillo Pad for Mr Trump. In the end, it was no contest: the Shredded Wheat won.

  2. a side note on Jason Bourne. I watched the Bourne Supremacy the other night. That night I had a dream I was Jenny Bourne (no not married to the guy,) I was my own kick a** Bourninator!

  3. Courteney Cox could play one of the reporters, she did a pretty good job in “Scream” another film about Psychopaths lol.

    • Of course we need our reporters. Well done, madam, good choice.

      I was in a pub last night and was outlining my fictional Osama action film, when Christian Bale was suggested as a Navy Seal. How I could’ve missed that one is anyone’s guess. He’s a mean mother. He would’ve been perfect.

  4. I’d like to point out that I do own a shirt and am qualified to portray a seal, if by seal you mean mildly intoxicated middle aged guy at a concert.

  5. I’ve never laughed so hard over something read online! From “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” to Donald Trump/the Shredded Wheat, this was nothing but hilarious. Thanks for making my day.

    • You’re welcome!

      If, when you next see a Shredded Wheat Donald Trump springs to mind, then my job is done.

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