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A Spider Nearly Killed Me! (Part One)

September 7, 2011

Friday 2nd September: 8.50 am

It started as a morning like any other.

I woke up, tumbled out of bed and staggered to the bathroom. I turned on the shower and let the water run to the right temperature. I stepped into the bath. I pulled the shower curtain…

Before I go any further, let me take you back to the previous morning. I found a big spider in my bath. It was scrabbling to get out, but couldn’t get a grip. I moved the shower curtains to make sure it would go back down the plughole, or wherever it came from. When I looked at the bath again that night, it had gone. I put the shower curtains back.

Now back to Friday. I was standing in the bath, the shower was running, I pulled the curtain… and saw the spider on it.

Janet Leigh shower scene Psycho

This was not what I expected. It was too close for comfort. I freaked. I slipped. I fell. I landed hard. I hit my head. I heard strange noises as I tried to get out of the bath. There were two things, which came to my mind straight away: 1) I had to get out before I lost consciousness and; 2) I didn’t want that spider anywhere near me. My feet were slipping and sliding like a character from a Tex Avery cartoon and I soon realised the strange sounds I heard were coming from me. Eventually, my feet got some purchase on the wet bath and I was able to lever myself out.

So there I was, standing as naked as you like, staring intensely at the bath for what seemed like an eternity, trying to calm myself down. I quickly recognised I was a very lucky Pie because I’d heard stories of people slipping in baths and knocking themselves out, never to wake again. Self-pity didn’t feature at Pie Palace that morning. My throbbing head led me to the mirror, where I wiped the steam created by the still running shower. I was confronted with an image that was not my face, as I knew it. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there was a ma-hooosive egg on my forehead that had sprouted within minutes. The kind of thing you only see on accident-prone children in the playground. Pie was now a five year old. I had a long awaited appointment that morning with a Podiatrist, which I had no intention of missing. So I made my way there, making a promise to myself that I would get my head seen to as soon as possible.

At the A&E, I was seen very quickly, by NHS standards. Perhaps the combination of the words bath, slip, head and hit, put me at the top of the list. The doctor, after asking me a few questions about vomiting and headaches, decided I wasn’t in danger. He explained what had happened, warned that I could get a black eye as a possible side effect, gave me a couple of information sheets about concussion and head injuries and packed me off. I made a short visit to a friend who lived nearby and did a bit of shopping. By then I had become very tired and slightly disoriented, so I went home where I stayed for the rest of the day. I took a photo of my egghead and posted it on Facebook, to the horror of all my friends.

Vincent Price as Egghead in Batman

I took full ownership of that egg, dear reader. It was a great creation, made possible by the trick I pulled in the bath with the spider that morning, aided and abetted by the absence of a rubber bath mat. Me, Spidey and the invisible bath mat will be available for birthdays, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and TV/film work.

I stayed awake for as long as I could, In spite of my tiredness. I wanted to savour the whole day, because for irrational reasons (or not), I couldn’t be sure my eyes wouldn’t have been shut permanently if I had succumbed to sleep. As I settled down in my bed later that night, I made a mental note to get a bath mat the next day.

I then closed my eyes.

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18 comments

  1. Your story reminded me of this:


    • This is why I will never, ever go to Australia. Welcome to my blog.


  2. a truly chilling tale of life-threatening arachnid intimidation … famous arachnophobe ron weasley could not have been more scared. glad you’re recovering anyway. i once saw a spider trapped half-in half-out of an airbrick in my flat and attacked it with a pair of scissors until it stopped moving … a traumatic experience for both of us, i’m sure


    • You attacked it with scissors? Shades of Psycho and the shower scene? How big was this spider?! I assume you’ve recovered from that trauma. I know the spider didn’t.


  3. Horrifying. This is why I have cats, they are obsessed with checking the bathtub for any spiders they can kill.


    • Hmmm. Maybe it’s time to invest in a feline deterrent. Welcome to my blog.


      • Yes, I think you should get a cat too. They are useful deterrents against spiders and other household pests smaller than themselves.

        And OMG! I was away from WordPress for a while, so I only just found out about you knocking yourself out in the shower! 😮

        I hope you are better now!


        • I’m much better now, thank you.


  4. If that spider is lying in wait for you he deserves what’s coming to him. turn the hot water up!


  5. I purposely avoided whatever that ‘Tarantula’ film was you’d put as a link. I don’t want it giving nightmares… I pressed the ‘end’ button instead of scrolling so as to make sure I didn’t see it!

    Also, I would have freaked if I’d seen a spider in my bath. I’ve had them there before but I’ve always managed to get someone else to get it out.

    Now I’m going to read one of your happier posts about something non-spidery and watch cute animals in youtube videos rolling around on the carpet and sneezing. 🙂


    • I didn’t realise you were such an arachnophobe. The clue was in the title, but I hope you were entertained by my (near) death by spider stories, nevertherless. For enduring the spider to read my post, you deserve a reward. Go, little Sivershadowfly. Go, find the lol cats on YouTube. You’ll feel so much better.


  6. Like many people, I am terrified of spiders! I’m hoping to someday get over it though because they eat the pests that destroy my garden and can also get inside my house. Rationally, I know all this and where we live-Canada-there aren’t too many poisonous ones anyways.

    But they are such scary looking buggers that it’s hard not to be afraid! And they always seem to catch you off guard! If there is one in the ceiling corner and he/she just stays there, fine, but it’s when they insist on crawling all over the place and me that they get escorted outside!


    • You know, I was catching up on reading some posts from other bloggers (it’s getting harder as the list grows and I get busier) when I found your one about the spider. If one ever got on to my body, it would be all over for me. Small spiders are OK, but when I see bigger ones scuttling all over the place, I start to freak out just a little bit, though I won’t usually leave the room. I think this experience has left me just a little more afraid of them, and I don’t like it. Time for immersion therapy!


  7. the photo used is epic…:)


    • Which one? Janet Leigh? Or Vincent Price as Egghead? The photos are indeed epic, but not as epic as my spider experience…


  8. Hilarious. I found your blog while looking for a Psycho shower scene photo… to tell a very similar story on my own blog. Nice one.


    • Thanks, Damo. If your experience is as epic as mine, it will be a hell of a read. I should go and look at it now.



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