A Spider Nearly Killed Me! (Part One)September 7, 2011
Friday 2nd September: 8.50 am
It started as a morning like any other.
I woke up, tumbled out of bed and staggered to the bathroom. I turned on the shower and let the water run to the right temperature. I stepped into the bath. I pulled the shower curtain…
Before I go any further, let me take you back to the previous morning. I found a big spider in my bath. It was scrabbling to get out, but couldn’t get a grip. I moved the shower curtains to make sure it would go back down the plughole, or wherever it came from. When I looked at the bath again that night, it had gone. I put the shower curtains back.
Now back to Friday. I was standing in the bath, the shower was running, I pulled the curtain… and saw the spider on it.
This was not what I expected. It was too close for comfort. I freaked. I slipped. I fell. I landed hard. I hit my head. I heard strange noises as I tried to get out of the bath. There were two things, which came to my mind straight away: 1) I had to get out before I lost consciousness and; 2) I didn’t want that spider anywhere near me. My feet were slipping and sliding like a character from a Tex Avery cartoon and I soon realised the strange sounds I heard were coming from me. Eventually, my feet got some purchase on the wet bath and I was able to lever myself out.
So there I was, standing as naked as you like, staring intensely at the bath for what seemed like an eternity, trying to calm myself down. I quickly recognised I was a very lucky Pie because I’d heard stories of people slipping in baths and knocking themselves out, never to wake again. Self-pity didn’t feature at Pie Palace that morning. My throbbing head led me to the mirror, where I wiped the steam created by the still running shower. I was confronted with an image that was not my face, as I knew it. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there was a ma-hooosive egg on my forehead that had sprouted within minutes. The kind of thing you only see on accident-prone children in the playground. Pie was now a five year old. I had a long awaited appointment that morning with a Podiatrist, which I had no intention of missing. So I made my way there, making a promise to myself that I would get my head seen to as soon as possible.
At the A&E, I was seen very quickly, by NHS standards. Perhaps the combination of the words bath, slip, head and hit, put me at the top of the list. The doctor, after asking me a few questions about vomiting and headaches, decided I wasn’t in danger. He explained what had happened, warned that I could get a black eye as a possible side effect, gave me a couple of information sheets about concussion and head injuries and packed me off. I made a short visit to a friend who lived nearby and did a bit of shopping. By then I had become very tired and slightly disoriented, so I went home where I stayed for the rest of the day. I took a photo of my egghead and posted it on Facebook, to the horror of all my friends.
I took full ownership of that egg, dear reader. It was a great creation, made possible by the trick I pulled in the bath with the spider that morning, aided and abetted by the absence of a rubber bath mat. Me, Spidey and the invisible bath mat will be available for birthdays, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and TV/film work.
I stayed awake for as long as I could, In spite of my tiredness. I wanted to savour the whole day, because for irrational reasons (or not), I couldn’t be sure my eyes wouldn’t have been shut permanently if I had succumbed to sleep. As I settled down in my bed later that night, I made a mental note to get a bath mat the next day.
I then closed my eyes.