A Spider Nearly Killed Me! (Part Two)September 8, 2011
Saturday 3rd September: 10.00 am
My eyes opened. I was alive.
It was just over 24 hours ago when I had my brush with death at the hands of a spider. I didn’t have a delayed head trauma and died in my sleep, as the irrational voice in my head was predicting. And something else made me realise I wasn’t dead: the pain! Everywhere! My head, my right arm, my ribs, my right shoulder, my right shoulder blade, my right foot, my left knee and the right side of my arse – everything hurt.
Whatever I had planned for the weekend was cancelled. The day was over before it had even started and I was not happy. Looking at the saucer-sized bruise on my battered posterior in the bathroom mirror, the scene of the crime, did not improve my mood one little bit. I was definitely going to get that bath mat now. I decided that would be my mission for the day. Making sure I stayed local, because my body wouldn’t let me travel at great distance without screaming, I went, dosed up with Arnica, to Stratford shopping centre and a store called Wilkinson’s. I knew they had a homeware department and was sure I’d find a bath mat there… and lo! Arranged before me were bath mats in a variety of styles. All styles, bar one, were selling at the princely sum of £3.75 – bargain!
I had a look at the first style that caught my eye. They were individual feet shaped mats in a set of four. They looked like fun, but if I were to be scared witless by another spider in the bath/shower area and I jumped as I did on Friday, there would not be enough coverage to prevent me from slipping on a wet bit and going down again. So alas I had to let that one pass.
I really liked this next style. It appealed to my aesthetics and had a retro 50s/60s look about it because of the various sized bubbly holes. It was also transparent so it would fit with any bath colour. But it was made of PVC and it felt slippery to the touch. If that’s what it felt like dry, how would it perform in the wet? I’m sure the manufacturers wouldn’t have produced something dangerous, given that the product is supposed to keep you steady in the bath or shower, but I couldn’t risk it. So I had to let it go. I was even unhappier about not being able to buy this one than the previous mat.
The third mat, the most expensive at £9.99, was a seriously old man mat. No style, no vigour, no go. No, I’m not buying that!
The fourth mat proved to be a decent compromise. It looked reasonably stylish, if a tad safe, it had a good set of bubbles and nodules, it was made of rubber and it came in a good variety of colours.
It was great to have the choice and it was a close run thing, but I eventually went for the classic bath mat colour.
The bath mat has taken its rightful place in the bathroom at Pie Palace and will give good grip and protection for many showers to come. On my way to Stratford, I came across a poster on a bus stop, which brought out a wry smile. I also took a photo of it for your entertainment. I know I’m Officially Old™, but I don’t think I need this yet.
Or do I?