A Spider Nearly Killed Me! (Part Two)

September 8, 2011

Saturday 3rd September: 10.00 am

My eyes opened. I was alive.

It was just over 24 hours ago when I had my brush with death at the hands of a spider. I didn’t have a delayed head trauma and died in my sleep, as the irrational voice in my head was predicting. And something else made me realise I wasn’t dead: the pain! Everywhere! My head, my right arm, my ribs, my right shoulder, my right shoulder blade, my right foot, my left knee and the right side of my arse – everything hurt.

Sites of injury to the body illustration

Whatever I had planned for the weekend was cancelled. The day was over before it had even started and I was not happy. Looking at the saucer-sized bruise on my battered posterior in the bathroom mirror, the scene of the crime, did not improve my mood one little bit. I was definitely going to get that bath mat now. I decided that would be my mission for the day. Making sure I stayed local, because my body wouldn’t let me travel at great distance without screaming, I went, dosed up with Arnica, to Stratford shopping centre and a store called Wilkinson’s. I knew they had a homeware department and was sure I’d find a bath mat there… and lo! Arranged before me were bath mats in a variety of styles. All styles, bar one, were selling at the princely sum of £3.75 – bargain!

I had a look at the first style that caught my eye. They were individual feet shaped mats in a set of four. They looked like fun, but if I were to be scared witless by another spider in the bath/shower area and I jumped as I did on Friday, there would not be enough coverage to prevent me from slipping on a wet bit and going down again. So alas I had to let that one pass.

Bath mat in the shape of rubber feet

I really liked this next style. It appealed to my aesthetics and had a retro 50s/60s look about it because of the various sized bubbly holes. It was also transparent so it would fit with any bath colour. But it was made of PVC and it felt slippery to the touch. If that’s what it felt like dry, how would it perform in the wet? I’m sure the manufacturers wouldn’t have produced something dangerous, given that the product is supposed to keep you steady in the bath or shower, but I couldn’t risk it. So I had to let it go. I was even unhappier about not being able to buy this one than the previous mat.

PVC transparent bath mat

The third mat, the most expensive at £9.99, was a seriously old man mat. No style, no vigour, no go. No, I’m not buying that!

Old man's bath mat

The fourth mat proved to be a decent compromise. It looked reasonably stylish, if a tad safe, it had a good set of bubbles and nodules, it was made of rubber and it came in a good variety of colours.

Colour range in bath mats

It was great to have the choice and it was a close run thing, but I eventually went for the classic bath mat colour.

Colour range bath mat in white

The bath mat has taken its rightful place in the bathroom at Pie Palace and will give good grip and protection for many showers to come. On my way to Stratford, I came across a poster on a bus stop, which brought out a wry smile. I also took a photo of it for your entertainment. I know I’m Officially Old™, but I don’t think I need this yet.

Old age alarm poster

Or do I?



  1. Ouch poor you! At least you put the experience into another couple of brilliant blog posts. But no matter how humorous it all sounds I’m sure the pain is awful. I once cycled into the back of a parked car (yup!) and collected a very similar range of bruises and an egg. I can remember the pain and how it took a while to appear but when it did…. Arrgh….

    Poor Pie!

    • You cycled into the back of a parked car? That’s hardcore! How the hell did you do that? Funnily enough I went into the back of a parked car on my Salomon FSK inlines in my first (and so far last) street skate in 2007. It did not end well (but not because of the parked car incident). I’m glad you made a full recovery. Maybe we should be padded up for every occasion. Sumo suit here I come!

  2. Sorry to hear poor Pie has been bruised and battered, and all in the comfort of your own home. Unbelievable luxury of choice though with the bath mats and I love that third is even labelled “Luxury” – ideal gift!

    • Thanks for the concern, Patti. Everything is much better now, though I still have the (smaller) lump on my forehead.

      I was amazed at the choice of mats, to be honest with you. Wilkinson’s is not a high end store like John Lewis, but it does have some good stuff, leaving aside the laughingly called luxury old man’s mat.

  3. Hysterical that last pic!!! – hope all is well now and those bruises have gone! Wilkinson’s is definitely the place to go.

    • Bruises have almost all gone, thanks for asking. The lump is still on my forehead, but I’m sure that too will soon pass. At least I don’t look like the Elephant Man anymore.

  4. PS didn’t mean the pic is actually funny, but what are the chances of seeing that after your wild spider experience, that is funny!!!

    • That’s why I had to take the photo. I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. The irony was not lost on me. The Universe was clearly having a laugh at my expense. Oh, what larks!

  5. PPS Glad that The Spider didn’t manage in his/her intent!!!

    • Yes. Well if I were the sort to be super paranoid, I’m sure after this experience I’d be looking over my shoulder to see what else could try and kill me. A dodgy hamster perhaps, or a pigeon giving me a hard stare. The squirrels in the park have been a bit testy lately. Maybe I should tread carefully around them.

  6. Another comment for the “spider incident”. Sorry you fell! That must have been terrifying and hope you’re feeling better!
    Bath mats are definitely the way to go! Just don’t ever buy the small individual ones like the feet you saw, I knew a woman who bought ones shaped like fish and she slipped on them!

    • Before my spider incident, I wouldn’t have thought twice about buying the individual feet mats, because I would’ve thought they were fun, but since that tumble in the bath, I’ve become much more cautious as I don’t want to break any bones, or more importantly, die, just yet. So it’s goodbye spontaneity and hello sensible. Yet another indicator that I’m Officially Old™ Your friend’s experience with the fish mats has reinforced it for me.

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