Hollywood Just Can’t Leave It Alone! Hansel And Gretel Rebooted

February 28, 2013

I was idly watching TV when this film trailer for Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters came up in the ad break. It may be out in other countries already, but it’s coming to Blighty this week.

Looks like the old Grimm’s fairy tale has been given the Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter treatment. Hansel and Gretel have all grown up and gone hardcore. It stars British actress Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner as the titular heroes. Renner has been an action man in previous movies like The Hurt Locker and The Bourne Legacy. So why not an adult Hansel, going medieval on witches?

As Hollywood continues to plunder historical figures and fairy tale characters to create vampire slayer/witch hunter/zombie crusher mash-ups, who’ll be next on the list and how do you think they’ll be re-booted? Would Jack and the Beanstalk become Jack Beanstalk: Giant Killer? Or would Goldilocks and the Three Bears become Goldilocks: Grizzly’s Revenge?



  1. In the future, we’ll all have our 15 minutes if fame. During that time, a zombie/witch killer movie will be made about us.

  2. Lol. I know, they have gone vampire mad in Hollywood.How about an action fairytale movie. Snow Black and the 7 Ninja’s

    • Oooh, Snow Black and the 7 ninjas. That has to be done!

      Who would be Snow Black? Jada Pinkett-Smith? Halle Berry? Jennifer Hudson? Or we could go left field and have Famke Janssen. She always plays a good badass female superhero. Methinks the Ninjas could be Bruce Lee, Jim Kelly, John Saxon and Jackie Chan from the old school. New(ish) school could be Wesley Snipes, Jet Li and Tony Jaa.

      Nice to see you here again, by the way.

      • Saxon, Kelly and Bruce actors from Enter The Dragon one of my fave films. Also starring a very young Jackie Chan being shown who is boss by Bruce lol..

  3. I saw a trailer for an oz remake the other day and thought, “well, I suppose it was only a matter of time.” H&G too? Ugh. What’s next?

    • Is that the one with James Franco? I should go look for it now.

      Betty: I’m sure they have a list lined up and ready to go. We can just play the game of which one we think will come out next. Maybe they’ll get the American presidents together, from 1940-2001 in an Avengers Assembled kind of action 3D whizz bang spectacular. Lee Harvey Oswald and John Hinckley Jr can make cameo appearances.

      What am I doing? I’m giving these fools ideas!

      • OK, Betty, I’ve had a look at the Trailer. It’s actually a prequel (which almost always makes you hold your breath in fearful anticipation). It’s not too terrible and It certainly looks good. I wonder if Johnny Depp turned this film down before James Franco took the role. It certainly feels as if Depp should be in it. If I can squeeze the old Wizard of Oz out of my head for two hours, I could enjoy this film. I think.

      • That is a bit of a twisted movie idea, Pie! Yes, Franco is Oz.

      • Here’s another one: I just saw a trailer with ewan mcgregor as jack and the beanstalk.

        • Betty, I was only joking about Jack and the Beanstalk… WTF?!

  4. I’m still laughing at the irony in your post here Pie – yup, Jack and the Beanstalk has become Jack the Giant Slayer, so you were on the money!
    The Hansel and Gretel film looks awful and it most probably will be. Oz did a little better than I expected it too, having been to see it, it certainly is visually stunning, but Mila Kunis and Franco’s characters fell flat.
    What other Brother’s Grimm Fairytales can Hollywood send out for slaughter?

    • Slaughter. A very appropriate word to use in this context.

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