The Royal Baby Is Here, In Case You Didn’t Know.

July 23, 2013

It’s been very quiet on the royal baby front these past few months. Even the tat attached to these events, which you know I love to gently mock, had been in short supply. That was until early Monday morning, when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, also known as Kate and William, went into St Mary’s Hospital in Paddington, because the baby was now ready to say hello to the world. The sycophancy and slew of royal baby related tat hit us with the force and fury of a dodgy curry left out overnight and eaten for breakfast, subsequently welding us to the toilet, while we cry out for it all to stop.

The royal baby 2013

This is your life, son. Get used to it.

I wish the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge the very best as individuals and I’m sure William will be thinking of his mother, but the level of toadying and blanket coverage to the exclusion of all else is quite frankly ridiculous. I do feel a bit sorry for the journalists who have had to fill in hours of inactivity with inane observations and interviews with the royal well-wishers, some of whom had bagged their spot weeks ago. Can’t imagine they’d smell too good. Royal reporters have been picked from their shelves and dusted off to speculate on the royal event with about as much knowledge as the rest of the country. Nice work if you can get it. The Pitbull paps from all around the world are chomping at the bit, penned in like cattle. When the royal couple eventually emerge (probably with John Terry), there will be carnage. Even The Guardian, the paper for the left leaning, turned into the Daily Mail for the day, wondering what kind of grandmother Carole Middleton would make. Thank goodness for social media. You can always rely on it to be more irreverent, to gain some balance.

The new royal addition, a boy, arrived at around 4.25pm. Although it was said that the child would be the rightful heir regardless of gender, I’m sure the conservatives of Blighty breathed a huge sigh of relief. Tradition, dear boy, tradition!

Let’s take a moment away from the madness to think of the family of Jacintha Saldanha. She was the nurse duped by Australian prank DJs who got through to the ward where Kate was staying when she was suffering from extreme morning sickness. Mrs Saldanha took her own life a few days later. These won’t be happy days for them.

So the baby is now here, but that isn’t the end of it. Because at the time of writing, the media are playing the guessing game of when the royal couple will leave the hospital with the little one, what the name of the baby will be (bets have already been taken) and how long it’ll be before they crack on with producing number two.

I’d better go and get some Imodium. It’s going to be a long week.



  1. I can’t imagine how overwhelming it must be there.

    • Overwhelming? It’s doing my nut, Oma. It’s the omnipresence and the inane comments that make my toes curl. Earlier this evening, two male radio presenters were discussing, like gossiping neighbours over the fence, how she could get her post pregnancy body back into shape!!! She’s only just had the baby, for fuck’s sake!

  2. […] The Royal Baby Is Here, In Case You Didn’t Know. (pienbiscuits.wordpress.com) […]

  3. I knew you would be the voice of sanity and reason on this issue.

    I’ve simply been on tenterhooks for days, although I must admit I was hoping for another queen and I fear we might be a bit fed up with kings by the time Alex George whatever etc. gets a crack at it.

    • Yeah. It will be 60 or 70 odd years at least before he gets to have a crack. No need to be on tenterhooks anymore. Now that baby’s here, you can relax.

  4. P.S. I was disappointed not to see a crown of some sort perched on the royal head. Young as he is, he must get used to his god-given destiny etc etc

    • You’d like to have seen a crown perched on the royal head? Like the one in my illustration, you mean?

  5. PPS. I forgot to say … Hurrah!! God Save Her Majesty!

  6. luvya Pie – good work! reaching for the imodium as i write…jx

    • I’ve just opened the first pack – I’m ready…

  7. It was all I could do to prevent myself throwing something at my TV. The coverage was utterly pointless. Nice curry analogy by the way!

    • Thanks, Stewie. I was left with a similar feeling about the coverage of Margaret Thatcher’s death a few months ago. That oily coverage went on for a week and a half, with absolutely no room for dissent. My metaphorical arse was red raw by the time it was finally over.

  8. I found the whole thing to be a bit ridiculous. http://ralston2013.com/politics/there-is-no-royal-baby/

  9. I agree with the fact that you don’t feel sorry for journalists waiting to get a glimpse at the royal baby. It doesn’t make sense to me that people waste their time to take photos of someone’s kid, who they’ll never personally know, and then go completely crazy if they didn’t. I understand that the royals are famous and everything, but people really shouldn’t try to integrate the royal family into their own lives.

    • Some people feel the need to integrate the royal family into their lives and good luck to them, but I don’t want to be dragged into it. Thankfully, the recent christening turned out to be a (relatively) low key affair.

  10. I’d have to say I don’t much care for or follow the Royal family but I did enjoy this post. Well written and entertatining, no other way. Please feel free to check out my blog Devastating The Obvious. It has quite a few off the wall and generally hilarious observations and wacky happenings.

    • I like off the wall!

      I’m a very busy pie at the moment, hence my lack of posts and occasional visits to this blog. I hope to visit yours soon. Thanks for visiting mine.

      • No problemo. It would appear we have a few things in common. Namely, pie is delicious. Well good luck on your business!

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