Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

h1

Blood Test

June 13, 2014

A pint? That’s very nearly an armful!
Tony Hancock, The Blood Donor

I went to see my doctor recently about the nail on my big right toe. She took some clippings and packed them off to be analysed. I’ll find out in a couple of weeks if Fergie the Fungus has invaded my left toe as he did my right toe two years ago, leading to six months of hardcore anti-fungal medication. Some of you have been with me for a long time now, so I feel I can share this with you (whether you like it or not). If you’re new to this blog – welcome!

The doctor then suggested I have some blood tests as it’s been a while since the last check, adding: “It’s time you had it done anyway, as you’re now of that age.” That age, ladies and gentlemen, is 50. Hearing that was only marginally worse than my dad, on calling to wish me a happy birthday on my landmark date, telling me that I was now “on the other side of the ladder.” Yeah, dad… thanks!

Mount Auburn sculpture by Daderot from Wikimedia commons

No… not yet. Wait for it… (by Daderot from Wikimedia Commons)

There’s more…

h1

New Year Happy

January 3, 2014

Here we are again. New year, new start… we hope.

Yoga girl

“This year I’m chilling out.”

There’s more…

h1

Can You Smell The ‘Erb? Stupid London Drug Runner Walks Past Police Smelling Of Cannabis

March 7, 2013

Welcome to my first stupid criminal post of 2013. It’s a while since I’ve written about inept felons. There were plenty of candidates vying for my attention, including the robbers in Australia who tunnelled their way to a jewellery store, only to surface in a KFC, and the prisoner in Sri Lanka with a mobile phone hidden in his rectum, caught out by the ring tone. But this, ladies and gentlemen, is the best one so far, and it happened in my borough. I will admit I shed a tear with both pride and laughter as I read this story. It takes a special brand of stupidity to do the following.

spliff joint

A young man came up the escalator in Bethnal Green Station with a handy stash of cannabis, ketamine hydrochloride and ecstasy. As he passed two officers at the ticket hall, a waft of the ‘erb caught their attention and they asked him to step into a side room to be searched. He didn’t need to be told twice – he made a run for it, out of the station and into the museum gardens nearby where he dumped his goods. He walked back towards them and was promptly arrested. A police dog handler was called in, the plucky dog called Buster found the incriminating evidence and a subsequent trip to the drug runner’s Hackney home revealed more drugs, plus weighing scales and a ledger. He now has two and a half years in a Young Offender’s Institute to think about where he went wrong.

Buster has since retired after six years on the job. I wonder if he still has a septum.

h1

A Beard? Hirsutes You, Sir!

February 25, 2013

John Lewis has caused a stir. Their advertising campaign for the spring/summer menswear features a model with… a big bushy beard. It’s been called Hobo Chic and urban woodsman amongst the fashionistas. I couldn’t give a monkey’s arse about the labels: he looks great. John Lewis has played a blinder here. You’d usually find this kind of model fronting the campaign for some hipster store in Shoreditch.

John Lewis model with beard

There’s more…

h1

Drunk Devon Man Attempts To Have Sex With An Ambulance

February 20, 2013

You read the title correctly, dear reader.

A young man from Barnstaple, Devon, appeared in court after trying to have sex with an ambulance. Fuelled by drink and drugs (cannabis and amphetamine, if you’re interested), he started his seduction by setting fire to a packet of peanuts in a phone box. He then proceeded to spread himself across the front of this particularly big old unit. According to the police, it ‘looked as though he was attempting to make love to the front of the ambulance’.

London ambulance

We’re not just here for emergencies…

Ambulances are used to picking up people. In this instance, the role was reversed and it didn’t end well. The would-be Romeo was eventually arrested for being drunk and disorderly after shouting insults at a Scottish police officer.

Once in court, in the cold light of day, when the beer goggles had cleared and the cannabis induced aphrodisiac had worn off, he admitted to taking drugs and alcohol that night, but had now seen the error of his ways. He was found guilty of being drunk and disorderly and in possession of drugs. He was given a £60 fine with a six-month community order.

It is not known if the ambulance intended to sue for damages.