Can You Smell The ‘Erb? Stupid London Drug Runner Walks Past Police Smelling Of Cannabis

Welcome to my first stupid criminal post of 2013. It’s a while since I’ve written about inept felons. There were plenty of candidates vying for my attention, including the robbers in Australia who tunnelled their way to a jewellery store, only to surface in a KFC, and the prisoner in Sri Lanka with a mobile phone hidden in his rectum, caught out by the ring tone. But this, ladies and gentlemen, is the best one so far, and it happened in my borough. I will admit I shed a tear with both pride and laughter as I read this story. It takes a special brand of stupidity to do the following.

A young man came up the escalator in Bethnal Green Station with a handy stash of cannabis, ketamine hydrochloride and ecstasy. As he passed two officers at the ticket hall, a waft of the ‘erb caught their attention and they asked him to step into a side room to be searched. He didn’t need to be told twice – he made a run for it, out of the station and into the museum gardens nearby where he dumped his goods. He walked back towards them and was promptly arrested. A police dog handler was called in, the plucky dog called Buster found the incriminating evidence and a subsequent trip to the drug runner’s Hackney home revealed more drugs, plus weighing scales and a ledger. He now has two and a half years in a Young Offender’s Institute to think about where he went wrong.

Buster has since retired after six years on the job. I wonder if he still has a septum.

Pie’s On Twitter!

I’m on Twitter… what have I done?

“Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a…” Oh, suit yourselves!

After dancing around the idea and reading up on the pros and cons, I finally took the plunge late last year and signed up. It’s another avenue of blog promotion of course, but I also wanted to be part of the Twitterverse in general. There’s so much you can do: follow the news; see what your favourite celebrities are up to; be inspired by interesting quotes, articles and music; voice your opinions, and generally waste a lot of time.

Hollywood Just Can’t Leave It Alone! Hansel And Gretel Rebooted

I was idly watching TV when this film trailer for Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters came up in the ad break. It may be out in other countries already, but it’s coming to Blighty this week.

Looks like the old Grimm’s fairy tale has been given the Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter treatment. Hansel and Gretel have all grown up and gone hardcore. It stars British actress Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner as the titular heroes. Renner has been an action man in previous movies like The Hurt Locker and The Bourne Legacy. So why not an adult Hansel, going medieval on witches?

As Hollywood continues to plunder historical figures and fairy tale characters to create vampire slayer/witch hunter/zombie crusher mash-ups, who’ll be next on the list and how do you think they’ll be re-booted? Would Jack and the Beanstalk become Jack Beanstalk: Giant Killer? Or would Goldilocks and the Three Bears become Goldilocks: Grizzly’s Revenge?

A Beard? Hirsutes You, Sir!

John Lewis has caused a stir. Their advertising campaign for the spring/summer menswear features a model with… a big bushy beard. It’s been called Hobo Chic and urban woodsman amongst the fashionistas. I couldn’t give a monkey’s arse about the labels: he looks great. John Lewis has played a blinder here. You’d usually find this kind of model fronting the campaign for some hipster store in Shoreditch.

Drunk Devon Man Attempts To Have Sex With An Ambulance

You read the title correctly, dear reader.

A young man from Barnstaple, Devon, appeared in court after trying to have sex with an ambulance. Fuelled by drink and drugs (cannabis and amphetamine, if you’re interested), he started his seduction by setting fire to a packet of peanuts in a phone box. He then proceeded to spread himself across the front of this particularly big old unit. According to the police, it ‘looked as though he was attempting to make love to the front of the ambulance’.

We’re not just here for emergencies…

Ambulances are used to picking up people. In this instance, the role was reversed and it didn’t end well. The would-be Romeo was eventually arrested for being drunk and disorderly after shouting insults at a Scottish police officer.

Once in court, in the cold light of day, when the beer goggles had cleared and the cannabis induced aphrodisiac had worn off, he admitted to taking drugs and alcohol that night, but had now seen the error of his ways. He was found guilty of being drunk and disorderly and in possession of drugs. He was given a £60 fine with a six-month community order.

It is not known if the ambulance intended to sue for damages.