A Toasty Night In At The Holiday Inn

Holiday Inn has come up with a wizard wheeze, which gives them a unique selling point. They’re paying people to be bed warmers in their hotels. Clad head to foot in what looks like a giant white babygro with matching hat and gloves, they hop into bed for five minutes or so and just before the guests arrive, they disappear to leave a nice warm bed. What’s wrong with a good old-fashioned hot water bottle? Or here’s a radical thought: how about putting the heating on in the rooms?

I imagine people would sign up for this job in these recessionary times. But why stop there? The guests could get their morning coffee courtesy of the pellets collected from the cat litter of Mrs Smith’s ginger Tom. After all, if you can get prohibitively expensive coffee beans from a cat’s arse in some far-flung country, what’s wrong with a British domestic model? The bed warmers could double up as kettles, swilling the water in their mouths until warm before they put it in the cups. If any of the bed warmers are new mothers they can express their milk. No danger of Lactose intolerance there, and finally, if you prefer tea and you’re lucky enough to have a stoner within the bed warming group, they can provide you with the right herbs and leaves to pick you up, or chill you out.

Only natural ‘erbs, of course.